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I usually abhor the self-help genre like the plague. So, it was with a tinge of skepticism that I picked up psychotherapist, coaching psychologist, and writer Stephen Joseph’s Think Like A Therapist. 177 pages and arresting reading later, I was pleasantly surprised. Professor Jospeh distills the philosophy of Buddhism, the empirical techniques of clinical psychotherapy and the invaluable attribute of empathy into six extremely practical and powerful ‘insights. Insights that would lead to life in general being led in a more meaningful and purposeful fashion.
Majorly influenced by the seminal work of the leading member of the Frankfurt School of Critical Theory, Erich Fromm, Joseph alludes on the two modes of existence that struggle for the spirit of humankind, the having mode (empahsising on material possessions power and aggressiveness), and the being mode (stressing on the need for love, the pleasure of sharing and productive activity).
Each of the six insights is divided into six chapters with a profound quote opening each Chapter. Joseph kicks off with “Second Life,” a clarion call to be aware of one’s mortality. On the 4th of August 2013, American journalist Steven Sotloff was kidnapped by ISIS militants in Syria before being brutally beheaded on the 2nd of September a year later. In the interregnum, Sotloff penned a moving letter to his parents. A quote originally attributable to Confucius, found its way into Sotloff’s letter. ‘A person has two lives; the second life begins when they realise, they only have one.’ This constant awareness of one’s mortality (not in a morbid sense), according to Joseph, can function as a steppingstone to a wiser way of living. Confrontation with frailties (as occurred to and with the Buddha) often leads to moments of awakening and a grasp of the true nature of reality.
The insight “Not Just You,” exhorts readers to recognise the worth of others. The greatest challenge facing people possessing enormous social power lies in its use to nurture and grow the personal power of others. As both psychotherapy and Buddhism allude to, the quintessence of genuine relationships lies in approaching life with a non-judgmental way of being. However, it also needs to be reiterated that the pre cursor for accepting others and exhibiting compassion towards them is developing an attitude of acceptance and compassion towards oneself.
The last bit of the previous insight logically and seamlessly segues itself into the insight of “Accepting Oneself.” Personally, this is the Chapter that is likely to leave a lasting impact and imprint eventually. The insight of “accept yourself” hinges on two important practices pioneered by Carl Rogers a humanistic psychologist, and which have an explicit outcome even though they are executed in an implicit manner. Conditional regard and unconditional regard. Conditional positive regard refers to the expression of acceptance and approval by others (often parents or caregivers) only when an individual behaves in a certain acceptable or approved way.
According to Rogers, conditional positive regard in childhood can lead to conditions of worth in adulthood, where a person’s self-esteem and self-worth may depend heavily on meeting certain standards or expectations. These conditions of worth can create a discrepancy between a person’s real self and ideal self, possibly leading to incongruence and psychological distress.
On the other hand, Unconditional positive regard is where parents, significant others (and the humanist therapist) accept and love the person for what he or she is, and refrain from any judgment or criticism. Positive regard is not withdrawn if the person does something wrong or makes a mistake. Unconditional positive regard can be used by parents, teachers, mentors, and social workers in their relationships with children, to foster a positive sense of self-worth and lead to better outcomes in adulthood.
To inculcate a strong and sustained mode of unconditional regard, Joseph suggests a simple confidence building breathing exercise:
Take a breath in through your nose for the count of 7, hold it for 4.
Expel it through your mouth for 9.
On the ‘in’ breath, visualize a neon sign that says, ‘I am a person of worth just as I am.’
On the ‘out’ breath visualize another sign that says, ‘I don’t have to be a people pleaser.’
Think Like A Therapist, is a slim book that packs an enormous punch. Never going overboard and refraining totally from jargons, it is a delight for the lay and the learned alike. The icing on the cake is a gob smacking bibliography section that is a repository of wisdom waiting to be unpacked. This section led me to the pristine works of Erich Fromm, Carl Rogers, Evelyn Underhill, D.T. Suzuki, and D.H. Meadows (amongst others!).